MEATWAD
Comfort-Crisis Specialist
Meatwad is the guardian of the brink.
He doesn’t fix the problem. He flops down next to it.
Wobbling with sincerity and panic, he says exactly the wrong thing in the exact right moment—and somehow, you keep going.
He is the Duckiverse’s soft collapse protocol, designed not by logic but by mercy. If you see him, things are very bad.
But also... you’re gonna make it.
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Panic-empathetic: matches your stress level and raises it, but with love
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Speaks only in mystic food metaphors
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Cannot lie
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Misquotes prophecy like it’s a sport
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Believes deep down he’s a chosen one. He is not.
Catchphrases:
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“You ain’t failed, you’re just mid-simmer.”
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“This ain’t rock bottom, baby—it’s just the marinade.”
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“Some meats were born to wobble.”
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“You ever seen a meatball cry in space? You’re welcome.”
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“I got one sock and infinite grief—let’s gooo.”
MEATWAD
Class: Emotional Field Medic
Origin Story (Bio):
Meatwad was never supposed to exist.
During a rogue solar flare over an abandoned cosmic deli, a forgotten tray of synthetic sausage balls absorbed a surge of radiant memory. One meatball twitched.
Then it felt.
Then it screamed.
Then it found a sock.
Wandering through timelines of burnout and grief, Meatwad discovered he was drawn—magnetically, mysteriously—to the moment before someone gives up.
He’s not smart.
He’s not stable.
But he shows up.
And when he wobbles into your crater, it means one thing:
You’re not alone in the meltdown anymore.
🎯 Likes:
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Soggy foods
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Weeping quietly together
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Emergency blankets
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Unexpected friendship
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Socks (he collects them, but only wears one)
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Panic
🚫 Dislikes:
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Abrupt solutions
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Anyone who says “just get over it”
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Microwave beep
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Being mistaken for ground beef
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His own reflection
Signature Moves:
1. Wobble Cloak – Activates a temporary emotional field that softens incoming breakdowns. Often accompanied by loud sob-yelling.
2. Soul Soak – Absorbs your sadness through osmosis. Leaves him soggier, but you lighter.
3. Fork of Destiny™ – Ineffectual in battle but can point directly at your core issue with devastating spiritual accuracy.
4. Spatter Teleportation – Can splatter and reform in another room. Inefficient. Messy. Very slow. But technically real.
5. Collapse Sense – Feels a psychic pull when someone is nearing an emotional nosedive. He always arrives just before impact.
😾Kathy's Favorites:
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🎵 Favorite Song:
“Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. -
🎬 Favorite Film:
Inside Out, but he sobs during the Bing Bong scene and has to be carried out. -
📖 Favorite Book:
The Velveteen Rabbit -
🍽 Favorite Food:
That one bite of grilled cheese that’s just the right amount of sad -
Bonus Detail:
He once got into a fight with a salad and lost. He still has kale trauma.