MALLARD VAYNESTORK
Economic Fairytale Whisperer
Once a failed nest-egg day trader who “accidentally” bet against clean water initiatives, Mallard Vaynestork reinvented himself as an economic guru by coining terms like “Trickle-Up Transcendence” and “Quantum Inflation Therapy.” Behind his glitzy news desk and charisma-quacked smile, he peddles broken promises dressed in graphs no one understands.
He’s not technically a duck, but he plays one on TV. His target audience? Broke birds with broken dreams. His real clients? The handful of vultures who own the pond.
He’ll tell you a cinnamon roll is a “self-care asset” while blaming pond poverty on the “irresponsible bread class.” He’ll warn against unionizing while quietly outsourcing his own writers to a barn in Florida. And somehow, despite all of it, his approval ratings stay high—because distortion loves a loud, shiny stork with just enough buzzwords to drown out truth.
Catchphrases:
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“The market knows, you just have to believe harder.”
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“Let the crumbs trickle where they may.”
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“Buy low, lie high.”
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"Buy the drip."
MALLARD VAYNESTORK
Distortion: Economic Propaganda & Magical Thinking in Markets
Origin Story (Bio):
Mallard Vaynestork wasn't born into wealth—he was hatched into it. Son of a hedge fund albatross and a golden egg donor, he was taught from an early age that the market always knows best—especially when it’s lying. Mallard rose to fame with his late-night economic gospel show, Quackonomics Tonight, where he confidently misleads the masses using confidence, glittery graphs, and selective statistics. Deep down, he doesn't even know he's a villain. He truly believes he’s saving the world... one foreclosure at a time.
Likes: Yacht brunches with other elites, yacht rock, obscure hedge funds named after Greek letters, Faux-humble TED talks about "Grit", bailouts, buying art not to look at it
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Dislikes: Regulations, unionization, public transportation, being told "no", people bringing up his stock tip history (It's awful) - now ducks just do the opposite of what he says to do on the Duck Market
Signature Moves:
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🪙 Too Big to Flail:
When under attack, Mallard calls in a Bailout Barrage—a rain of golden parachutes drops from above, shielding him while bankrupting surrounding civilians. The rich get richer. Everyone else? Evicted mid-battle. -
📈 Pump & Plunder:
He hypes up random worthless duck stocks with his custom TV show Quackonomics Tonight, causing mass hysteria in Duckville's economy before pulling out last second—leaving the town broke and blaming itself.
Bonus Lore:
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Mallard once debated Bossy on live DuckTV. Bossy walked off mid-show after Mallard called minimum wage a “luxury entitlement.” The clip went viral and is now banned in three stork-dominated channels.
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He sold NFTs of pondwater ripples. Each one came with a complimentary podcast episode where he explains why poverty is a “mindset problem.”
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He thinks Stux is a financial anarchist. And he's not wrong.
🦆Mallard's
Favorites:
​Residence:
The Golden Nest (a high-rise studio on top of Wall Street Tower)
Transportation:
A platinum helicopter shaped like a dollar sign