REPRESENTATIVE WITHERBONE
The Ancient Seat
Representative Witherbone is the eternal incumbent. A fossil in a flag pin. He’s been re-elected so many times, nobody remembers running against him. He speaks in soundbites and filibusters in his sleep. He doesn’t represent a district—he haunts it. When reform knocks, he hits snooze. When the people cry out, he smiles politely and goes back to polishing his legacy plaque.
They say he’s bipartisan…
Because he’ll gladly shake your hand before voting against your children’s future.
Catchphrases:
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“Experience matters… even if I don’t remember any of it.”
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“Back in my day, progress meant staying exactly where you are.”
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“Term limits? I don’t believe in those newfangled ideas.”
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"Just wait your turn."
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“Just one more term… promise.”
REP. WITHERBONE
Distortion: The Distortion of Weaponized Legacy
Origin Story (Bio):
Born March 26, 1940. Senator Witherbone was once a young idealist—but that was seven wars, nine lobbyist marriages, and thirteen reelections ago. Now, long dead in spirit (and body), he refuses to leave his Congressional seat, claiming “no one else has the experience.” He survives on donor money, legacy power, and ritual ego-stroking ceremonies hosted by cable news anchors.
Likes:
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Corporate lobbyists bearing gifts
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C-SPAN reruns featuring himself
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Saying “We’re working on it” while working on nothing
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Flag pins
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Committees that don’t do anything
Dislikes:
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Progress
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Young people with ideas
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Term limits
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Being asked to retire
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Transparency
Signature Moves:
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🪦 Filibust-To-Dust: Talks for 37 hours straight to block even the tiniest change.
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🕷️ Cobweb Cloak: Disappears into procedural red tape until the moment to strike. He love the Parliamentarian.
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💼 Donor Drain: Channels dark PAC money to weaken heroes and public trust.
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📺 Legacy Echo: Commands cable news to repeat his talking points on loop.
Bonus Lore:
- Rumor has it his bones are held together by decades of pork-barrel earmarks and committee chairmanships. Every time a young duck tries to run against him, the machinery of Distortion buries their campaign in red tape, misinformation, and just enough scandal to keep Witherbone propped up like a weekend at Bernie’s.
💀Witherbone's
Favorites:
Residence:
A dusty office in the Capitol Crypt, lined with unread bills and grandfather clocks all stuck in the past.
Transportation:
A taxpayer-funded hover-hearse from 1983, fueled by broken promises.
Favorite Song:🎶 "Angelina/Zooma Zooma" by Louis Prima. He claims "they don't make em like they used to."
Favorite Film: 🎥 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington—claims it’s about him.