DUCK ISLAND DATING
🦆 DUCK ISLAND DATING: FEATHERED & FLAWED
Three suitors. One sultry vixen. No survivors.
🎤 Host: “Welcome back to Feathered & Flawed, where today’s lucky duckette, Vivian Vixen, will go on three blind dates. Let’s meet the contestants!”
🥀 ChatMoleHell
Self-published fantasy author. Bench presses emotional baggage. Believes he is owed a girlfriend.
“My ideal date is her making me dinner while I recite poems from my novel ‘Feathers of Destiny: Book 9 of the Beakonaverse.’”
(He’s brought laminated excerpts.)
👻 GhostWolf
Social justice specter. Won’t speak above a whisper. Wears six scarves in July.
“I only date in solidarity with marginalized beings. The real intimacy is deconstructing each other’s language.”
(Refuses to pay for the date, as that is 'sexist'. Only dutch with GhostWolf.”)
🐖 Wildcard: Porco the Pig
He wasn’t invited but bribed the producers with truffle oil and sangria.
“I brought wine, bread, and three unresolved mother issues. Let’s tango.”
💋 Vivian (confessional cam):
“If I wanted to babysit, I’d go to brunch with Lana Karen. One’s quoting Tolkien, one’s quoting DEI manuals, and one’s quoting himself. I just want a duck with a credit score.”
✨ Sponsored by PortoBank. (“Love is a loan. Terms will vanish.”)
Scene: "Love Is Quacktion" — Episode 1
INT. CANDLELIT POND-SIDE RESTAURANT — NIGHT
🎬 Date #1: ChatMoleHell & Vivian Vixen
Chat shows up in a fedora and trench coat he claims is "mystery-core," visibly sweating. He slams a stack of printed manifestos on the table.
CHAT:
“So anyway, I don’t believe in women voting, emotional labor, or tipping. I’m a Sigma Flame, Vivian. That’s rare.”
VIVIAN:
“...I literally just asked if you wanted water.”
CHAT (furious):
“I KNEW IT! This is just like every other one! You want a nice guy—you don’t want a real man! This whole show is RIGGED!”
Vivian checks her phone. Chat storms off, trips over a duck statue, falls on his face, and yells that it’s “symbolic.”
🎬 Date #2: GhostWolf & Vivian Vixen
INT. MOUNTAIN-TOP YOGA TEA LOUNGE — SUNSET
GhostWolf, wrapped in ethically sourced kelp robes, lights seven candles and begins a chakra chant.
GHOSTWOLF:
“I’ve been working on my shadow self. I also started a nonprofit for reparented cacti. I’m emotionally available... now.”
VIVIAN (bored):
“Mmm. That’s nice. You always talk like you’re narrating a perfume ad.”
(Cut to confessional booth)
GHOSTWOLF (crying softly):
“I just... I thought we aligned on sacred geometry. She doesn't even know her Human Design type, or attachment. I was ready to show her my sock collection. I read 'How to not Die Alone' for this date, what a waste of time.”
🌹 Porco the Pig enters the villa…
🐷 “I don’t need a rose. I brought my own damn bouquet and a backup fan in case things get too heated.”
Cut to Vivian:
🦊 “Wait, you’re not even into me?”
🐷 “Oh, sweetie. I’m into Pinot Noir, vintage leather, and decorating. This? This is community service.”
Vivian in confessional, fuming:
🦊 “Why is everyone here judging me?!”
Cut back to Porco sipping his drink by the pool:
🐷 “Judging? No, no. I’m curating.”
🎥 FADE IN: NIGHTTIME. CEREMONY PLATFORM. TIKI TORCHES FLICKER IN THE BREEZE.
🎶 Dramatic orchestral music swells.
Vivian Vixen stands center stage, glammed up in a fiery red dress. Before her stand the three hopefuls:
-
GhostWolf — puffy-eyed, emotionally wrecked, holding a single white rose he brought “just in case.”
-
Chad Molehill — arms crossed, shirt half-unbuttoned from his earlier rage tantrum, visibly still fuming.
-
Porco — lounging in a velvet smoking jacket, sipping a sparkling rosé, barely pretending to care.
Vivian (to camera):
“Tonight was… confusing. One of them cried. One of them yelled. And one of them… brought his own cheese board and a miniature poodle. But I have to follow my heart.”
She steps forward. Tension builds.
Vivian:
“Chad…”
Chad:
“I KNEW IT.”
(he starts forward smugly)
Vivian (cold):
“…you need therapy.”
(turns to GhostWolf)
Vivian:
“GhostWolf…”
GhostWolf (sniffling):
“You helped me feel again…”
Vivian:
“I’m glad. But no.”
GhostWolf collapses to one knee, whispering “Why did I open my heart…”
Vivian turns.
Vivian (smiling):
“Porco…”
Porco (looking up lazily):
“Ugh. What.”
Vivian:
“Will you go on another date with me?”
Porco (shrugs):
“Only if we go somewhere with air conditioning and at least a 4-star Yelp rating. I refuse to sweat for this show.”
Vivian (laughing):
“It’s a date.”
🎶 Triumphant pop song kicks in.
GhostWolf howls in despair. Chad punches a tiki torch it falls over lighting the set on fire.
fin.
