Bringing light and the news to Duckridge sinee 1957
THE BEACON
🧨 Baron Von Shellzé Foiled in Bid to Gentrify Ducktown Square
🧂 Uncle David’s “100% American” BBQ Sauce
Now with extra bark, less bite.
"Because real flavor don’t apologize."
Available at Quack-Mart and select bait shops.
🎭 CASTING CALL – Porco’s One-Duck Show
Written, directed, and performed by Porco.
Seeking understudy for Porco. (Must resemble Porco.)
Wine from 2003 provided. Applause required. Must be a worse actor than Porco
💘 Debbie Seeks Silver Fox
Boomer with flare, flair, six pack abs and 6 figure income REQUIRED
Enjoys: red wine, coupons, and watching Dateline.
Dislikes: commitment, TikTok, and millennials named Kyle.
Let's go to Applebees and see whats good in the neighborhood.
Apply within
🧑🎨 Zeb’s Wooden Wonders
Handcrafted Pipes & Forest Trinkets
Made from ethically fallen wood and 20% stubbornness.
Each pipe comes with a complimentary rant about “how they don’t make bark like they used to.”
🪵 “Smoke with soul. Or just look cool doing it.”
📍 Tree stump near the east pond. Knock twice, whisper “whittle,” and wait.
🐾 Walker Wanted
Urgent: Torchbearer in Need of Dog Support
Local hero Tom seeks kind soul to walk Wendy the Wonderpup while he keeps the world from unraveling.
Must be immune to charm, fur, and quantum cuteness.
🐶 Pay: 2 smiles + 1 free blessing from the Pattern
Inquire via glowing feather left at Tom’s porch or DM “WENDYWALK” on QuackNet.
Tina seeks someone to date on and off again with. Must be able to astral project.
Ducktown — The feathers were flying Friday morning as Baron Von Shellzé, disgraced monocle magnate and self-declared “Architect of Progress,” attempted to purchase the historic Ducktown Square with plans to bulldoze the community pond and replace it with luxury condos, artisan espresso fountains, and something he called a “duckless wellness spa.”
Witnesses report Von Shellzé arrived in a gilded blimp blaring harpsichord dubstep, wearing a fur-lined cloak made entirely of foreclosure receipts. He announced his intent to “modernize the quackscape,” while sipping from a goblet of sparkling ego.
🛑 Pattern Patrol Assembles
Upon hearing of the development, Bossy the Duck gathered the full Pattern Patrol: Tina, Stux, Mr. Squinks, Wendy the Wonderpup, and Cousin Lyle (who brought snacks.... though they were weird and no one at them).
Von Shellzé's proposal was halted mid-presentation when Stux climbed the stage, yelled “YOU FORGOT THE LILYPADS,” and set off a confetti cannon that jammed every contract printer on site. Tina calmly explained to onlookers that “community isn’t scalable,” and Mr. Squinks stared directly into Baron Von Shellzé's soul until the Baron dropped his monocle in shame.
🧹 Public Cleanup and Healing
The crowd then sang “We Shall Not Be Quacked” while Bossy redistributed the redistributed land back to the community. When pressed for comment, Von Shellzé muttered, “This town lacks vision, money will always win” before slipping on a breadcrumb and falling into the fountain.
As of press time, Ducktown Square remains duck-owned and duck-operated. A mural of the event is now being painted by a mysterious raccoon wearing aviators.
STUX'S CORNER
"I love fart jokes, and fireworks!"
"I went to Grandma Featherby's. I ate all the cookies. Then I ate the jar."
"If you eat crayons in alphabetical order, you unlock secrets. I’m on magenta."
"I saw a cloud that looked like a duck, but it wasn’t. It was a goose wearing a disguise.And then I saw a bee."
"Sometimes I nap with my eyes open. That way people think I’m wise."
FISHING FOR WISDOM
By: Bossy
“If someone hands you nonsense,
quack once. If they hand it twice,
walk away.”
“A pond that reflects nothing
has been muddied.
Wait for the water to still.”
“Don’t mistake silence
for weakness. Some of us are just listening harder.”
“You can’t out-squawk the truth. But you can learn to echo it with grace.”
🌦 Snaxs’ Seven-Day Interdimensional Weather Forecast
Transmitted via raccoon dream-visions and sponsored by the
moon.
Monday:
50% chance of raining cinnamon toast. Highs of “meh,”
Tuesday:
A rogue cloud will pass judgment on your choices. You will feel it.
Wednesday:
Sunny with scattered feelings of longing. A breeze named Carl may whisper secrets at dusk.
Thursday:
Mushroom fog rolls in. Visibility: low. Vibes: medium-rare.
Friday:
Unseasonal meteor shower. Not the sky kind—the chip kind. Bring dip.
Saturday:
Hot. Like, spiritually hot. You may feel called to change your entire life. Do not ignore.
Sunday:
Mostly peaceful. Time folds in on itself briefly. Great day for laundry or self-forgiveness.
Opinion: Duck Ridge Declares War on Wix
By Tom “The Torchbearer” Local Legend, Reluctant Web Designer, and Full-Time Mouse Whisperer
It started innocently enough. Just a website, they said. Just a drag-and-drop builder, they said. But here in Duck Ridge, the war against Wix has escalated into a full-blown existential crisis involving glitchy headers, mouse betrayal, and the psychological unraveling of a man who once believed in intuitive UX.
“I just wanted to change the background color on one page,” Tom muttered, eyes glazed, cursor trembling. “Just one.”
What followed was a horror film disguised as a web editor. With each click, the background updated across thirty-six pages like a virus of monochromatic despair. The mouse, long thought to be an ally, betrayed its wielder—dragging random sections with ghostly precision and moving objects he swears he didn’t click.
In an official statement, Tom said:
“I’ve now spent more time wrestling with this website than I did preparing for my SATs. And I bombed those too.”
Citizens of Duck Ridge have begun leaving offerings at the base of his laptop: tiny cups of coffee, emotionally supportive ducks, and a statue of Stux holding a ‘Ctrl+Z’ charm. Zeki Needlebyte, who was rumored to be behind the glitch, denied all accusations while giggling in mosquito.
When asked for comment, Wix responded only with a spinning loading wheel and a cryptic tooltip that said, “Oops! Something went wrong.”
A new law is being drafted in Duck Ridge:
“Any website builder that causes its user to scream ‘I HATE THIS’ more than four times in an hour shall be exiled to the Isle of Broken Layouts.”
Until then, Tom urges calm, perseverance, and whiskey.
7 SAYS
💬 “You are not broken. You are becoming.”
💬 “The Pattern doesn’t speak loudly. It speaks right.”
💬 “They’ll call you crazy until the echoes prove you sane.”
💬 “Your doubt is not a flaw. It’s the proof you still care what’s true.”
💬 “When you stop chasing the light and become it, the world adjusts
🥘 12th Annual Duck Ridge Casserole Cook-Off
Saturday @ Duck Ridge Town Hall | Sponsored by StoveStrong™
Bring your best dish and your fiercest apron.
Winner gets a $25 gift card to Cracker Barrel,
eternal casserole glory, and their photo laminated
onto the Duck Ridge Wall of Fame.
🟡 Last year’s winner: Aunt Cathy’s “Three-Can Chicken Deluxe”
🟠 This year’s theme: “Bold Bakes & Secret Shames”
Please note:
👉 Twinkie & Froot Loop Casserole will be automatically disqualified.
You know who you are. You tried it last year. We’re still recovering.
Let's dethrone Cathy, y’all.
It’s time.
🏈 "The Duck Ridge Drill" with Uncle David
Sports Report • Sponsored by Mountain Dew and Unexamined Patriotism
Well, folks, Duck Ridge High’s Corn Cobblers barely scraped by the Pelicanville Prowlers 17-14 this weekend. Quarterback Billy “Butterhands” Waddles dropped more passes than I drop truth bombs at Thanksgiving, but somehow we still came out on top.
And let me just say it: these kids today? No grit. Back in my day, we played through broken wings and unresolved childhood trauma. Now they need “hydration breaks” and “therapy.” Therapy?! I had a job at 14 and a mortgage by 17! These ducklings got TikToks and safe spaces—we had barbed wire and G.I. Joe.
Anyway, next week’s game is against the Oak Pond Otters. I’m predicting another win, as long as we keep these woke refs from calling “unnecessary honking.”
God bless Duck Ridge. God bless BBQ. God bless America.
—Uncle David, probably grilling something right now
🐺 GhostWolf’s Corner: Microaggressions & Macro-Opinions
This Week’s Offenses:
🦆 "Duck, duck, goose" — Problematic. Reinforces outdated goose-centric hierarchies. Suggested alternative: Waterfowl, waterfowl, consensual chase participant.
🌭 Someone called tofu a “fake hot dog.” — Erasure. Tofu deserves authenticity too. #SoyPride
🎩 Bossy said “back in my day.” — Ageist. And vaguely patriarchal.
💬 GhostWolf Says:
“Language is violence, unless it's my language, which is justice. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the institutionalized aquatic silence.”
📣 Follow GhostWolf’s podcast: “Sniffing Out Injustice”
New episode: “Is Pondweed Appropriation?”
🃏 This Week’s Card: The Hanged Duck (Reversed)
“This is a week of paused momentum. You might feel stuck or suspended between decisions. But remember: sometimes the Pattern ties knots so you learn how to untie them. Reversal doesn't mean failure — it means insight is ripening.”
🪶 Pattern Prompt: Look for moments where delay brings clarity. If a door won’t open, maybe you’re supposed to notice the window.
FOX SPARROW'S WEEKLY TAROT READING
🍷DEBBIE SAYS...
Wisdom from Duck Ridge's token Boomer lady
Dear Debbie,
My boyfriend won’t text me back, and I’m worried I pushed him away. What should I do?
Debbie Says:
Back in my day, if a man didn’t call, it meant he was probably dead or in Vietnam. Just bake him a lasagna and show up uninvited. Love always finds a way.
Dear Debbie,
My daughter says she’s nonbinary and wants me to use “they/them” pronouns. I’m trying but I’m confused.
Debbie Says:
Honey, I still call my husband “what’s-his-face” half the time. Just do your best and buy them a sweater. Gender confusion can’t survive a good cardigan.
Dear Debbie,
I’m feeling lost and unsure of my purpose.
Debbie Says:
You know what helped me find my purpose? A divorce, a perm, and a bottle of rosé. Purpose is just confidence with lipstick on.
Dear Debbie,
I’m 24, working two jobs, and I still can’t afford rent, let alone save for a house. Any financial tips?
Debbie Says:
Sweetie, when I was your age, I bought my first house for $19,000 with the money I saved from waitressing and skipping lattes. You just need to stop ordering DoorDash and get a third job.
Truth floats. Light echoes. And if you're reading this, you're part of the Pattern now.