Quackenomics Tonight
With Mallard Vaynestork
(Opening music: absurdly dramatic horn blasts over a ticking stock market clock. Neon lights flicker. A chart explodes. Cut to Mallard Vaynestork behind the desk with smug fury.)
MALLARD (host, smug stork):
Good evening, feathered investors and beak-fed believers!
Welcome to Quackonomics Tonight, the only show on
DuckTV where the markets are always up,
corporations buying neighborhoods are great,
and billionaires cry on yachts while we hand them
needless tax cuts.
(Cut to a montage of flashing red numbers,
a person happily paying rent while tipping their landlord,
and a duck in a business suit
throwing a pile of crypto coins in the air with a big grin.)
[CUT TO AD — SATIRICAL COMMERCIAL.]
📢 ANNOUNCER VOICE (smooth, vaguely menacing):
“This episode of Quackonomics Tonight is brought to you by NestEgg Holdings™ —
‘Because the early bird doesn’t deserve the worm unless it already owns the land the worm lives on.’”
🎞️**[Footage of a mansion being airlifted into space while ducks toast champagne.]**
“At NestEgg, we don’t just believe in passive income. We believe in asleep-at-the-wheel income. Let your wealth do the flying, while your ethics take a little nap.”
📉 NestEgg Holdings™
“You’ll own nothing. Because we bought it first.”
Spotlight flicks on Mallard Vaynestork, standing behind a gold-plated podium. Slick background with dollar bills and floating yachts. The camera zooms in. Big, bold "QUACKONOMICS TONIGHT" flashing.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (grinning widely):
“Good evening, flocking financial freedom fighters! Welcome to Quackonomics Tonight, where we trade logic for limelight and give you the real story behind the money-train of power — which, as usual, is zooming straight past you! I’m your host, Mallard Vaynestork, your resident bird-brained capitalist. Lets begin tonight with some Fairy
Tale Theatre! Some call it trickle down, some call it fairy tale, we here
at Quackenomics Tonight call it plain old common sense!
Trickle Down Theater (Sketch-style Reenactment)
[CUT TO: A stage with two ducks, one in a suit, one in rags, set in front of a waterfall that directly misses the poor duck.]
🎙️NARRATOR VOICE (mock-serious, theater-like):
“Once upon a time, the rich told the poor that their wealth would naturally trickle down. But alas, instead of trickling down, it all shot upward and into the pockets of the rich. Watch as The Rich Duck (played by Mallard) carefully collects all the water from the waterfall, leaving the Poor Duck in a dry, empty riverbed.”
[The rich duck looks at the waterfall, grinning, as the poor duck looks confused, reaching for nonexistent water.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (voiceover):
“See? That is how fairy tale economics works, folks! All the wealth is absorbed at the top, like this waterfall that only serves the ones already drenched in it. It makes total sense right! And you all vote for it too! But here's a secret... both parties believe in this fable so you have no choice! It's been 4 decades now, man those poors must be thirhiiiirsty!
Laugh track plays while rich ducks golf clap in the audience.
Quack Market Watch
[CUT TO: Mallard, standing with a furious expression at a desk, waving his wings around as Stux, presses random buttons on a screen. Various loud horns, and sirens are going off the whole time]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (screaming into the camera):
“Look at these numbers, folks! The economy’s soaring and crashing at the same time! How is that even possible!? Just look at the numbers! Look at them!
[Stux accidentally presses a button that releases a huge pile of fake dollar bills into the air.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (yelling in the chaos):
“WHERE’S MY STONK?! LET’S TALK NUMBERS, DAMN IT! Oh, look, another dollar bubble burst! #YachtStocksUp #DuckFutures. I'm telling you BUY
”
Stux (wild-eyed, feathers sticking out, screaming with a foghorn in the background):
“BUY! BUY $BULLS! THIS STUFF’S GONNA FLY, BABY! IT’S BULLS LITERAL BULLS! I"VE HEARD ABOUT BULL MARKETS SO I INVESTED EVERYTHING I OWN INTO COWS! DO IT! LITERALLY!
If you don’t invest now, you’re basically poor ON PURPOSE!!”
[Camera glitches. Stux slams the desk.]
This is your last chance to suffocate rich, folks. GET IN!”
[Stux pulls out a button that sets off a confetti cannon. Mallard stares at him, fuming.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (gritting teeth):
"A bull market is literally not bulls Stux... but that’s right. Nothing matters in the Quack Market, folks, unless you own it all.
(foaming at the beak):
BUY! BUY! BUY! This one’s gonna skyrocket like a feather in a wind tunnel, folks! We’re talkin’ about BreatheÉ™ — the world’s first luxury bottled air company!”
STUX (panicking at the control board):
“Wait, they’re just selling… jars of air???”
MALLARD:
“Not just any air, Stux. Hand-corked breeze from Aspen valleys, ethically sourced by unemployed influencers, and triple-filtered through vibes and Instagram reels. It’s artisanal oxygen, kid!”
STUX:
“Isn’t air… free?”
MALLARD (deranged):
“Not if you’re breathing with status! This quarter they’re releasing Limited Edition Crisis Air™ from places under duress. It’s collectible!”
[SCREEN GRAPHIC: BreatheÉ™ (BRTH) stock up 420% after news of celebrity lung partnership.]
MALLARD:
“Folks, the planet’s burning, the billionaires are bottling the air, and you wanna be the last duck holding your beak!? Buy now, before breathing becomes premium-only! We'll be right back for more absurd economic advice!!”
💨 [Commercial: BREATHEÉ™ – Luxury Bottled Air]
(Soft piano music, sweeping drone footage of a meadow. A rich duck in linen pants sips air from a glass bottle.)
NARRATOR (calm, sensual):
“Some say air is for everyone. We disagree.”
[Cut to logo: BREATHEÉ™. The ‘e’ is upside down, for luxury.]
NARRATOR:
“At BreatheÉ™, we source only the purest alpine zephyrs. Hand-bottled at dawn. Zero carbon, zero shame.”
[A duckling coughs in smog. Smash cut to a yacht party where ducks are passing around BreatheÉ™ bottles like champagne.]
NARRATOR:
“Because breathing isn’t just survival. It’s a lifestyle.
BreatheÉ™ — Elevate Your Inhale™.”
[Onscreen text: “Available exclusively to shareholders.”]
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Back to Mallard behind the desk.
He’s wiping his beak with a $100 duck bill.
MALLARD (dead serious):
“Not financial advice. Just facts here at Quackenomics Tonight.”
[CUT TO: An announcer voice.]
This Week in Corporate Welfare (Dark Humor)
[CUT TO: A graphic of a sad duck playing a tiny violin, as a logo of a rich company is shown on the screen.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (deadpan):
“Here’s a story to break your heart and make you realize that yes, you really are the ones paying for all of this. This week, a company that was given $10 billion in taxpayer-funded subsidies decided to cut 5,000 jobs. Classic! Cue the sad violin, it’s time for them to pat themselves on the back while the working ducks go hungry. (gravely):
“This week, FeatherTech laid off 6,000 ducks. Right after receiving $4.3 billion in subsidies to ‘create jobs.’
They celebrated by throwing a yacht party... inside a yacht... inside a bigger yacht.””
[The sad duck plays the violin as a rich CEO duck laughs maniacally.]
🎙️MALLARD VAYNESTORK (cutting in):
“They’ll say, ‘Don’t worry, we’re creating jobs!’ But really, what they mean is, ‘We’re creating low-wage jobs and keeping all the profits.’ And we’re the ones stuck in the middle... stuck in their Golden Egg. Keep that in mind.”
MALLARD VAYNESTORK (somber):
“This week’s honoree in Duckstributive Excellence goes to... PlummitTech™, the balloon delivery company that burned $2 billion in subsidies trying to reinvent stairs.”
[Cut to footage of ducks slowly falling down steps while balloons pop.]
MALLARD (voiceover):
“How’d they pull it off? Well, the same way all noble quackporations do:”
🏅 Golden Parachute
"When CEO Clive Featherstone personally guided the company off a cliff, he was given a $95 million golden parachute—along with a real parachute made of endangered swan feathers. For his ‘leadership.’"
🪙 Stock Buybacks with Bailout Bucks
“After receiving emergency government aid to ‘save jobs,’ they laid off 60% of the workforce and bought back their own stock so Clive could hit his bonus benchmark. We love a good narrative arc!”
🚫 Tax Holiday in the Bahamas
“They paid $0 in taxes thanks to a shell corporation called AirDuck Holdings headquartered in a single mailbox behind a snorkel shop in Duck Cay.”
🏗️ Broken Promises Development Grant
“Accepted $300 million in local grants to ‘revitalize the economy’ in Pondridge. Then built half a lobby and a gift shop before quietly pulling out, citing ‘unexpected algae conditions.’”
📉 Too Big to Fail, Too Small to Care
“They were deemed ‘essential to economic stability’ and rescued—twice. But when local duck businesses asked for the same? Denied for insufficient lobbying.”
Mallard:
“And guess who picked up the tab? You did. Through your rent. Your groceries. Your pothole-ridden street.
Remember: when you fail, you're lazy. When they fail, they get a bailout.”
MALLARD (smirking):
“But hey… at least the duckonomists say it’ll trickle down. Eventually. Probably. Never. Now let's switch to one of my favorite segments called "In The Real World"
💸 Meanwhile… in the Real World
MALLARD VAYNESTORK (flatly):
“And while Porco gets a platinum spoon for torching the company, here’s what everyday ducks are dealing with.”
🧾 Medical Bankruptcy Bingo
“Local duck suffers a sprained wing. Hospital bill: 84,000 Duck Bucks. Insurance says it’s ‘out of network.’ Duck now lives in a tent behind the pharmacy she once worked at.”
🚨 Gig Economy Grift
“After working 78 hours last week across three jobs—including ‘PondPlop’ delivery and QuackUber—Freddy Feather still can’t afford a tank of corn syrup gas. But hey, he got a badge for Top Quacker.”
🐥 Layoff Roulette
“Despite hitting every performance metric, Duckleen was let go via an auto-generated email titled So Long & Thanks for the Peanuts. HR says she can ‘re-apply in six months for a 1099 version of the same job.’”
📚 Student Debt Quagmire
“Ducktoral candidate Penny borrowed 400,000 Duck Bucks to attend Duckbridge University. Degree: Advanced Beak Management. Her interest alone costs more per month than she earns selling beak balm on Etsy.”
🍞 ‘Luxury’ Grocery Pricing
“Average nest can no longer afford a dozen eggs. Not golden eggs—just eggs. One duck said, ‘I’m not eating air, but I’m thinking about it. They’re selling it in bottles now.’”
MALLARD (leaning in, quacking gravely):
“They tell the poor to budget better. To hustle harder. To be more grateful. While the rich get bailed out for crashing the boat they were steering. Every. Single. Time. AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT”
[Cue audience laugh track, and sad kazoo solo.]
MALLARD (Smiling into the camera)
"We'll be right back with the visionary, genius, amazing, heroic CEO of Porto bank, Porto!
(Overly dramatic narration, slow-mo eagle, serious piano music)
[NARRATOR VO]
Are you tired of ducks who pretend to care about the working class... but secretly bathe in imported pond water?
This election season, vote for Senator Clamson, the only mollusk brave enough to say what we’re all thinking:
“The poor should eat fewer feelings and more algae.”
He’s tough on plankton.
Soft on billionaires.
And firm on tradition.
[Senator Clamson VO]
"I'm not like those other swamp politicians. I’m a bottom feeder. I live in the muck. I know how hard it is… to be just slimy enough to get ahead.”
Paid for by Friends of the Filthy Few, and the Coalition to Privatize the Sun.
Vote Clamson. He’s in your corner. (Probably siphoning sediment, but still.)
MALLARD VAYNESTORK:
“Joining us now is the visionary CEO of Porto Bank, recipient of twelve government bailouts and author of Why The Poor Are Actually Spoiled. Porto, welcome.”
PORTO (sipping ducktail):
“Delighted to be here, Mallard. And might I just say,
it’s about time we stop coddling these unwashed,
unwinged masses.”
MALLARD:
“Care to elaborate?”
PORTO (snorting):
“Certainly. If ducks are struggling, that’s on them.
I worked hard for everything I inherited.
My father left me a modest empire—just six banks, three yachts,
and an oil pipeline. And I turned it into three banks with only six bankruptcies.”
MALLARD:
“A hero. What about the recent layoffs at Porto Bank?”
PORTO:
“Necessary sacrifices. I laid off 4,000 employees to ensure I could buy a fifth vacation island. It’s called Trickle-Down Island. Very exclusive. We helicopter the bottled air in.”
MALLARD:
“Your critics say you benefit from socialist safety nets while preaching bootstraps for the rest.”
PORTO (laughs hysterically):
“Oh please. That’s not socialism. That’s premium capitalism. When we win, we keep it. When we lose, you pay for it. Simple math.”
MALLARD:
“Do you feel empathy for the average duck struggling right now?”
PORTO (checking gold watch):
“Only when I accidentally make eye contact with them. Otherwise, no. Empathy is inefficient. That’s why we outsourced it to AI.”
(swirling a wine glass full of olive oil)
“Look, I worked hard to be born rich. And my great-granddad? He practically built this fortune himself—by inheriting a railroad monopoly.”
“If you wanted healthcare, maybe you shouldn’t have picked ‘middle class’ as your character class, hmm?”
“This economy works great. For us. The rest of you should just budget better—like we told you... when we charged you overdraft fees for being poor.”
Mallard (deadpan):
“Thank you, Porco. That’s the smell of freedom, folks.”
MALLARD
"Well that's all the time we have, but thank you so much for your time Porto. Maybe the poors watching learned a thing or do.... but we doubt it.
(Turning towards the camera, an evil grin)
That's all the time we have tonight, tune in tomorrow where we discuss overdraft fees, and why they aren't a forced loan with absurd interest rates, we'll have a tribute to our beloved Rooster Reagan, and much more. And remember some people may call us "sociopaths", we just call it good business. We'll see you next time on Quackenomics Tonight!
- Jazz music plays while the audience applauds uproariously
[The studio lights dim. Mallard pulls off his mic. The set begins to dissolve into quiet static. Suddenly, a figure steps into frame. It’s the Torchbearer. Not part of the script. Not on the payroll. Not interested in spin.]
TORCHBEARER (looking directly at the viewer):
““They say the economy’s too complex for you to understand. That it’s not rigged, it’s just reality.
But if the system works this well for them—and this badly for you—maybe it’s time to stop asking what’s wrong with you.
Maybe the real question is: what are you gonna do about it?
They laugh. You heard it. They laugh while you’re drowning in debt, stress, and silence. They sell you the dream they burned down. But the Pattern doesn’t forget. And the fire? It’s not gone. It’s waking up in you.”
(camera glitch, slight static interference)
“You were never the problem. The system was. And now that you see it, it can’t keep hiding. They call it ‘economics’—but it’s just storytelling with a paywall. It's a fairy tale.
We’re telling a new story.
And this time, the trickle doesn’t miss. This time we see the scam, and the distortion for what it is. This time when they come crying that they need bailouts, that they are "too big to fail". We tell them, "You should have budgeted better, just like you told us."
[The torch flickers once. The screen fades to black.]
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